I had carried that nasty offense spirit around with me for a long time. Many of us have or do carry the offense spirit around and look for ways to be offended. We may see somebody’s Facebook status and think that it is about us, or we will look and see a group going out to eat and they didn’t invite you. Remember, sometimes you’re not invited so you won’t steal the attention.What will happen is, that offense spirit will try to come in.
The little foxes spoil the vine so if you keep finding yourself getting offended time and time again, you have a problem. The enemy can’t touch you but where the enemy gets you is by those doors that you have left open in your life that you never took care of. Maybe it was you being raised in a family that made you feel like you were the black sheep of the family, and maybe that is carrying on in your life and now you are attracting what you are, not what you want.
I’ll never forget the Holy Spirit trying to heal me from that offense spirit. I remember I got asked to sing a solo at church. I was feeling like I made it because my whole life I was one of those people who didn’t want to put anybody out or ask anybody for anything. I didn’t want anybody to feel obligated. I didn’t feel worthy enough for people to do things for me, and so I would never ask for anything. I thought I had made it in church after a standing ovation after my solo because people pleasing had wrapped me up. People pleasing had taken everything from me. All I wanted was people to approve of me.
After I got through singing, I went down to the front row and while I was worshiping, I heard “Psst” and I continued to worship, and all of a sudden I heard it again. By then, I knew somebody was wanting my attention so I look to my right and there was an usher.
I’m screaming on the inside and all I could see in my mind was this usher with this scowl on his face looking at me. I’m sure he did not have a scowl on his face, and I’m sure he wasn’t being rude and was being as polite as all get out but because I was so insecure and feeling unworthy, the enemy was keeping me bound by this feeling of insecurity and lack of unworthy that at that moment the enemy used that usher. I turned back again and he was motioning me to come over there. I started screaming on the inside again. I had felt like all of the lights in the church shined on me all at once in that moment, and everybody in the church was staring at me. This usher was just doing his job. I realized that this was my problem, not his problem. In fact, God used this.
I scooted to the end of the row and he said to me, “We need your seat. Somebody else needs your seat.” I’m thinking, “You asked me for my seat out of all the seats in this church?” Do you know what my flesh heard? My flesh heard there is somebody more important than you. That is what my flesh heard, but that was not true. What was happening was because the enemy couldn’t keep me bound in any other way, the enemy was using this insecurity, feeling of unworthiness, and feeling of lack to cause me to stay hostage in any way he could.
The usher moved me a few rows back and you know when something like that happens, something triggers you. It’s hard to get back in the flow of the Holy Spirit. There was something that the pastor was about to say that was going to set my soul on fire. There was probably something that I needed at that exact moment that was going to change the trajectory of my future but I had allowed an offense spirit that I never took care of, come in. The Holy Spirit told me that night, “Tatiana, you have walked around your whole life with that offense spirit on you.” I was walking around in life feeling like the black sheep in the family.
I learned you’re going to hold onto the offense spirit as long as you want to hold onto the offense spirit. I got free from the offense spirit at the age of 21. I had completely lost myself in insecurity, and hit rock bottom. I found out who the rock at the bottom was, which is Jesus. It doesn’t matter if people don’t approve of me. All that matters is that God approves of me. As long as I am walking in the will of God and keeping my heart right with God.
One thing that I realized was I held onto that offense spirit even after the fact of God showing me that night. The enemy plays off of the little cracks that you hold onto that you’ve allowed to keep open because you’ve never dealt with it. That offense spirit will hold onto you until you are ready to let it go. *starts singing ‘Let It Go’ from the movie Frozen* Yes, I did just do that.
A week after I got scouted for modeling, I got a call to do a photo shoot from this photographer who was well-known in the modeling industry around the world. He ended up being close by to where I live. He was going to be leaving for New York in two days. I ended up being able to go do this photo shoot the day before he left to go to New York.
He uploaded the pictures on his Facebook and I asked him if he would not tag me in the photos because there was something on the inside of me that felt guilty for doing it. I didn’t want anybody to see me in that state. I didn’t even feel attractive then. The photos were not seductive, but there was something on the inside of me that just didn’t feel right.
I remembered I got hundreds of likes and hundreds of comments saying how beautiful I was. To me, that was a lot to take in. I was so excited because I didn’t think I was attractive or felt like I was beautiful. I didn’t even think anyone truly believed I was attractive. The likes and comments on the photos were feeding my self-esteem issues and it was making me feel like I was approved of after all.
The next day, I am feeling confident and beautiful. I’m feeling amazing and like God loves me. I had later received thousands of likes and comments on those photos. From then on out, I was getting phone calls left and right from modeling agencies. I turned them down because of the feeling on the inside that I couldn’t explain. It was like God was tugging at my heart and trying to tell me something.
One day, I came home and received this really nice letter in the mail, an email, and a phone call from this major modeling company in New York. I truly could not see or understand what they saw in me. I called them back and told them I was going to pray about it. I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about it being a possibility even after I didn’t feel right about it, but I wanted to feel and be accepted more than anything.
That night, I began to pray and ask God why was I feeling uncertainty and not right with the photo shoot I did. I heard God as clear as day speak to me and say, “Tatiana, I accept you. That modeling isn’t My will. I have plans to prosper you for My Glory.”
I called this modeling agency back and turned them down. This is what God will do. He will take you from test to test to test until you learn to pass the test. I remember laying in my bed that night crying because I didn’t feel accepted anymore after I turned them down. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me, “Stop caring what people think about you, stop checking how many likes you get, and stop checking if people are validating you. Use this as a saving grace for someone else’s life. Until you get free from needing people’s approval, you won’t be used like I want to use you.”
Now, I search my heart. I say, “God, don’t let me say anything in emotion. Don’t allow me to hurt anyone. God, keep me focused.” That’s what some of us need to start praying and stop getting offended. The offense spirit doesn’t hold your future hostage. It doesn’t hold your loved ones hostage. It holds YOU hostage.
There was another time in my life when I was coming out of this hole that I had buried myself in, coming out of depression and deep hurt. God completely turned my life around. I forgot the things I was Petty Crocker about. I forgot the things I felt ashamed about. I forgot about how mean I used to be. I am no longer bound to me and my past anymore.